The five second rule shalt not apply!

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

So here's a quick and still pretty nasty story. A Jewish funeral home called in weeks ago telling us that they needed a hired gun to do body runs for them through all of February. The older gentleman that did removals for them was going on vacation for the whole month.

I'm the kind of guy who is always up for a challenge, there really isn't anything that shakes me up, or anything I haven't done. I'm a well educated ex broadcaster, ex business owner, and ex car salesman; I can pretty much talk to anyone about anything and still put off the vibe that I know somewhat of what I'm talking about. Plus being a dude who still looks like he's 18, I always have the "ignorant" card that I can fall back on... Ya know just in case I run into an astronaut and have no clue of what to say. 

ALL THAT BEING SAID, wearing a yarmulke for a week and talking to Jewish families about funeral arrangements sounded like an interesting challenge to undertake.

So this one day I went on 5 different pickups for this funeral home, pretty easy, the only challenge really was all the snow that accumulated on the streets from the night before. This one funeral home really had me busy, I was running around in the snow like a mad man picking up bodies left and right, so busy that I didn't necessarily have time to take any breaks.

Now part of the professionalism that I have, is that I always chew gum. Bad breath is a huge pet peeve of mine, and I feel like me having fresh breath while picking up deceased loved ones makes them trust me just a little bit more. I usually have to get really close to people to talk to them, cause the people I talk to are usually elderly significant others who are hard of hearing.

I just got done with my last call for the day, got back in the hearse, and called dispatch stating I was all clear at the funeral home. I picked up the drink I had in the cup holder, with my chewing gum stuck to the lid. As usual I put the gum back in my mouth with out touching it with my hands and hit the road heading back home. Almost immediately, I noticed something strange about my gum... I put gloves on (while driving) and inspected the gum... Only to find a long straight gray hair carefully kneaded into it my my molars!!! My freak out moment that immediately followed that discovery... Brought me to the conclusion, to never bring food or drinks into the hearse. Furthermore, I need to just simply buy gum more often and not just put it on my drink. There is so much DNA just floating around in a hearse, the five second rule should never apply in vehicles that carry the deceased... Fun fact!!! :D

The Big Fella, the Fatty Wagon, and the 14 Men in Black

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

On this day, a new chapter of my life began. Rhea and I found out we are having a baby girl, not only that but this was the first time we had an ultrasound with both of our mothers in attendance. It was a day I will always remember for the rest of my life. When they left, I sat in Rhea's car and caught up on what was going on in our lives. I rarely get to see her due to her living 52 minutes away from me. Even though I hate the fact that I can't just see her everyday like I used to, it kills me that we aren't currently and possibly never will be the once happy couple we were before. Emotions are a tough thing for me to feel anymore, this past year has really taught me a lot of things. On one hand, I've seen a lot of disturbing things this year, been involved in a work related shootout that resulted in me having to take a mans life, God graced me with post traumatic stress disorder, and had to bury a lot of friends. On the other hand, this year I met the love of my life, and got to finally see what my genetics look like in the way of having a baby girl. I can't wait, it's always been something I've wanted in this life. Not gonna lie I was starting to believe something was wrong and having a baby just wasn't in the cards for me.

The next thing ya know, this moment of life reflection was broken by the theme song to the show "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"... And I started swearing up a storm, cause I knew it was dispatch! They were sending me 2.5 hours to Cleveland to aid in the removal of a "big fella" from his own bathroom. They were sending me up there solo in a Mercedes Benz Sprinter Van we lovingly branded with the name "the fatty wagon". It's a removal van outfitted with proper heavy lifting equipment for removing and transporting deceased members of the heavier persuasion.

I stopped by the shop to drop off my hearse and picked up the wagon with the mobile crane that was in the paperwork for me to bring. There is only one "fatty wagon" that our company shares between Columbus, Cincinnati, and Cleveland. So since I was the last one to use it with my 1,200lb passenger from a month ago, they requested that be the tech to aid in this removal up state.

So it's now dark, it's snowing, and I'm miserable in Cleveland... Just like everyone else there (and btw, I say that with love). When I pull up to the residence, there are so many black sedans and Cleveland PD cruisers lining the street it looked like a serious crime scene. I hit the rotary lights, honk the horn twice, and back into their narrow driveway. A fat dude in a suit walks up to my window, so I roll it down to see what's goin on.

"So ur dibs?" He asked. "Yes sir, who might U be?" "I'm Dwayne... I've heard stories about u... Figured you'd be a big motherfucker what's up with that?" I didn't know how to answer his question, I was kinda taken back by his quick Italian quips, so I just said "Wel'p... I don't know what Ya heard, but it's all true motherfucker." He laughed and said "yep I guess so! I don't know u, but I'm sure we'll get along just fine."

I exit the wagon and follow him up to the house. "So what's goin on in here?" I asked. Dwayne filled me in as we entered. There were so many cops and dudes in black suits walkin around this joint I honestly kinda thought E.T. was in here somewhere or something.

I was introduced to issue at hand, his name was Harold. These are the issues that made Harold a particularly difficult removal. 1) He passed away in the bathroom, stark naked with his sweatpants and underwear around his ankles. 2) He passed away in the confined space between the shower and his toilet bowl, facing the side of the shower, with an open head wound due to him consequently smacking it on the water shut off valve behind the toilet . And last but not least 3) he's somewhere over 750 lbs.

I turned to Dwayne "So how long has he been like this?" He believes just for about 3hrs, according to the family. So we still have time before he turns and becomes a serious mess. All the equipment I brought really became totally obsolete due to the confined space of the room he was in and his position. The top of his head is imbedded in the water valve in the wall, and he is in the "superman" pose with his arms in the air surely in attempt to catch himself falling. If we used the crane and fixed it to the threshold of the door frame like we'd usually do, it would only be able to move him a couple feet, and wouldn't be much help.

I moved off to the gentlemen's garage for inspiration to aid in a solution moving towards getting Harold into the wagon. I walked back into the house with a deep socket ratchet set. I instructed Dwayne to gather as many sets of sheets together as he can find, as I gloved up and got ready to get messy.

I removed my suit jacket cause I just got it dry cleaned and gloved up. I removed the plastic lug covers on the toilet, and found the corresponding ratchet that fit. Dwayne comes back with a stack of sheets from his van and the wagon, and proceeds to heckle me while I'm trying to remove the commode. Guess it's not everyday u see a dude in a suit with a bulletproof vest working on a toilet. The really gross part about it was trying to remove the nut on the side where Harold was on. It was a very tight, bloody, and smelly space to work in. I removed my sidearm from my shoulder holster as I stood up and tried to work on it from the other side cause my right arm was getting tired. Realizing a potential hazard... I flushed the toilet. Everyone who saw me do so, laughed.

Finally got the nuts removed, now I had to turn the water off. Dwayne stood in the shower lifting Harold's hands, moving Harold's head from the valve. Now with considerable cranial discharge, and a whole new kinda smell, I quickly turned the water valve off. Flushed the toilet again, then we removed the toilet and placed it in the tub.

We took a smoke break quick, just to find nothing to be accomplished while we were gone... Not surprised. Kinda upset due to there being 14 of us all together in the house but Dwayne and I some how are doing this singlehandedly. They said they didn't know how to proceed, so I gloved up again and grabbed the sheets. Removing his pants and things, we wrapped a sheet around his ankles to drag him out into living room.

Aaannndddd that wasn't happening. We then tied the more sheets to the tips of the sheets we originally had around his ankles so all of us can pull on them cause the two of us just couldn't do it. Imagine a really weird version of tug of war but the guy we were competing with lost a while ago. It worked, but now we have an issue, his superman pose. With his arms being up in the air like that, he keeps catching the door with his hands and pulls it shut on himself when we try to round the corner. We had to break rigor, reset his arms, and bind his wrists to his neck using another sheet just to keep them. He then was pretty easily moved to the living room, rolled onto a stretcher and finally into the wagon.

Believe it or not the heaviest of people out there are never people you see on the streets. The really heavy ones u never see cause they can't bare the strain of their own weight just to go walk around. I don't consider people 300lbs to be overweight. They might be on some chart somewhere, but in my book someone 2, 3, or even 4 times that weight is overweight. People don't see them, and I'm not gonna lie it's definitely a disturbing thing to see when u need a team of people to move from one place to another. I thank god for the team I work with cause I could never have done any of this removal without the aid of my fellow 3 removal techs, and 10 CPD Officers. Then again, I still don't know why I was really up there in the first place... I was the youngest and smallest dude there by far...

See the lightbulb??.?... Now Ya don't!!!

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

So this was a call I was dispatched to at a hospital, in which it was a room release. The guy I was picking up died and instead of taking him down to the morgue, they just called me to take him out from his room.

I arrived on time, got a police escort up to the floor he was on so I didn't get lost. I walked up to the nurses station to sign the release papers but it took a while for me to get the nurses attention due to all the binders and charts she was rummaging through trying to find something else.

"Can I help u?" She asked as she realized I was standing there staring at her. "Sure, I'm here from Yackity Smack funeral home here for Mr. Bruce Bexley." I said. "Ok, hold on just a moment so I can find his chart, it's a mad house in here if Ya can't tell." I grabbed my phone quick to look up more info on him to help her find it faster.

Within a couple minutes, I noticed a gentleman just walked up to the counter next to me. I scooted over a bit to give him some room cause I'm still lost in my phone. I figured he was a maintenance guy due to the fact that he just walked up and started messing with the blue pendant light that dangled over us. The nurse looked up and yelled for assistance just as the patient, with the lightbulb in hand, inserted the metal end of the bulb into his mouth... And popped it.

She dove over the counter, somehow not cutting herself, and took it from him. Nurses came running, and took him back to his room... And I still stood there with my phone in hand... Stunned.

This guy seriously just walked up to the counter, grabbed the fixture bare handed, and broke it from the wire. Not that hard to do cause it was only like 2ft from our faces and hanging from a wire. But to then proceed to remove the bulb and eat it... Wow. I know this isn't a death story, but still a really weird story considering this was just one of the floors and not a psyc ward or something. 

The Tale of the Hipster Lookin' Mook

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

I've had to bring dead people down in elevators only a handful of times, and after things work out well in those situations, never has the been an issue with the stretcher... What if the stretcher doesn't fit in the damned elevator?!? This is one of those stories...

 I got a 2RT call to a residence in a tower, like an apartment tower, not like castles and flaming arrows type tower. So Alex and I parked our hearses in the parking garage in the basement. We brought the stretcher and flex with us just in case we needed to navigate tight turns which always seems to be the case whenever apartments are involved. We stopped at the first floor, to ask what room Mr. James Woods was in. "Room 1067, on the tenth floor." She said. "Oh and take this key with u, u can use it in the elevator to lock the door open so no one will be able to use ur elevator, it'll make things a little more discrete. Just drop off the key with the garage attendant when u are all done." As soon as she handed me the key, I promptly spun around 360 degrees, raised it up with both hands, and made that sing songy sound that always played when Link acquired the master key in the old Zelda games... Neither Alex nor the lady got my reference, so I face palmed myself and handed the key to Alex. We thanked her, and went on our way.

We got the stretcher in the elevator, or at least we thought it was all the way in, till the door closed on the foot end of it. Ive never been stuck in this situation before, so I tried to pick up the head end of it till it cleared the door, and it closed.

Seeing a huge issue with this given predicament, I asked Alex what to do, "ok... So quick question, how are we gonna get our bunny in the elevator if the stretcher won't even fit." "No worries bro" he assured me "we'll just drop the head end down to the ground and push him in. With the head down and feet up in the air, the door should clear it."

... All of a sudden the car stopped at the second floor... And the door opened to no one on the other side. It closes. It stops again on level 6... Opens again to no one, and closes...

"Dude... U know how funny it would be if we got our bunny loaded up like u said, and that door opened up to someone just standing there?!?" I said. He laughed, and agreed with me. I said "It's gonna happen u know, we r gonna get here to level 6, and there's gonna be some weird hipster lookin' mook standing there with his coffee and his dog... I'm not gonna know what to say man." "Dude that would never happen" he reassured me "we got the key, it'll lock the car down, we'll be fine!"

We got to the room, talked to the Woods family, got our bunny loaded up, and made our way back to the elevator. Alex hit the lever on the stretcher so the head was all the way down and the feet were up in the air. He pushed him on, no problem, we both squeaked into the car, he turned the key and down we went. I knew something was gonna happen, but felt like it might not just cause I said it out loud... Till the car stopped on level 6...

The door opened... There was no one there... We both laughed as the door closed.

"Dude I had to hold my breath there for a second hahaha. U just had to say that someone was gonna be there at 6, holy shit man hahaha." Then the door opened again... And I'll be damned if that guy wasn't just standin' there, that hipster lookin' mook with coffee in hand and a dog by his side... It caught us both by surprise cause we were both talking so much, and he was EXACTLY how I envisioned he would look like in my head. This guy was just lookin' at us, a black guy and a white guy, in black and white suits, and with Mr. James Woods in a bag. Alex and I didn't know what to say in the slightest.

"Is... Is that a dead body?!?" He asked. Alex and I looked at him, and at the same time I said yes, and Alex said no... We looked back at each other, and just looked back at him... And the door closed... Wow, no words at all, just laughter.

The door opened yet again on the first floor, and Alex ran out of the elevator quick. "What the, what the hell man!" I yelled. "I gotta give the lady her key back!" He replied. So I held the door open button, praying to God himself that no one would come down that hallway and try to get in the elevator with me and James. I heard Alex's keys jingling, getting closer. I found out why he was running shortly after he got back in the car, a little old lady was bookin' it down the hallway with her walker, just about to get in with us but Alex beat her to it. "R u boys going up?" She asked. Alex replied "nope, going down" just as the doors closed.

We made it back to the vans finally, and left for the funeral home. I never knew the combination of elevators and dead people would be so damned funny, but it's absolute comedy gold, I can't make this shit up!!!

The Reese's Cup Foot Guy...

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

Dispatch called us to a residence removal, so two of us RT's showed up on site. He passed away in the bed room upstairs... And he was a bigger fella.

Pretty typical big guy removal, they always pass away with some sort of obstacle in the way somehow, this time it was the stairs. Nothing really outta the norm for Big Ric and I to handle cause we got to use the med sled again. The last time we used it, Ric taught me the fine art of pulling someone out of a basement, so I was definitely taking notes on how to get someone down a flight of stairs without really making it look like we were just dragging a body down a flight of stairs... And I learned that it's really impossible to do gracefully and respectfully... cause u quite literally are dragging a body... And they are going down a flight of stairs!!!

Everything went kinda quick at the residence and the family was very thankful for us showing up as promptly as we did, cause he was beginning to stink a bit. He was fully clothed while he was in bed, sweatpants, sweatshirt, socks, and shoes. Easy peasy, down the stairs, and out the door.

So I get to the funeral home finally with Mr. Reese, and take him down to the morgue only to be greeted by the funeral director Mr. Barker. He's working on another lady on the table next to the one I'm about to put my guy on. We keep up the small talk as I wrestle this 400lb man onto the table and begin to fill out the paperwork.

 "So how did Reese die?" Asked Barker. "Oh Ya know, in bed, upstairs. It went a lot faster than I originally anticipated. I really gotta use that sled more." I said. "Wait... He died in bed... With his shoes on? Did they dress him before u got there?!?" He asked. I never really questioned the fact that he was wearing cross trainer running shoes in bed, I shoulda known that was gonna be a red flag... But the story only got better from here. :)

"Ya know, I didn't really ask any questions about the shoes hahaha. Oh well, guess it's all comin off anyway." I said. Barker continued to work on the lady, as I prepped Reese for embalming. I started by cutting his sweatshirt, pants, and underwear off and removing them from his body. No problem there. I put the blocks under his elbows, under his head, and crossed his arms like I always do. No problem there. Now the shoes... Nope not happening.

Barker is only watching me now struggling trying to remove this guys shoes to the point in which I'm almost pulling him off the table. "Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell Ya doin?" He asked. "These easy striders just arnt havin in sir hahaha. Not sure what else to do here." I said. So I got the scissors out again, cut the laces, and pulled the tongue out. Surely this would do it...

I noticed there weren't any socks on his feet, just bare feet in sneakers. I also noticed a very distinct smell from his feet... The smell of really musty mushrooms... And also noticed that the fabric from the back of the tongue of his shoe had left an imprint on the top of his foot. I asked Barker for his thoughts on what to do, and he told me he had never had that much trouble getting someone's shoes off before... So I grabbed the scalpel...

I started to make an incision along the ankle of the shoe and down the side to try to fillet them open, that had to work... I had to not only continue the incision along the toe, other side, and back up the other side of the ankle. Now with the total top of the shoe removed, and also with Barkers help removing the sole of the shoe... We witnessed something very bizarre...

He had candy wrappers in between his shoe and his foot, like A LOT of wrappers, and they had been there for a VERY long time. So long that the skin on the bottom of his foot was half way towards growing over the wrappers...

"Well that's bizarre." Barker said. I laughed and asked "why did he put wrappers in his shoes?!?" He simply replied "better yet, how many wrappers r in his foot? They havnt had that logo on Reese's cups wrappers for a very long time hahaha."

He made an incision with the scalpel along the wrappers trying to remove them, only to reveal that there were about a half inch of heavily compressed candy wrappers imbedded into this mans foot... And upon following the same procedure with the other shoe, it's was the same result.

No explanation was given to all the questions I had in my head till I saw Mr. Barker the next weekend on another body run. "So remember Mr. Reese? During the viewing hours, the first thing the family did was open the casket and noticed he was wearing different shoes... I told them the guy that came to ur house that day, Dibs, removed them without any problems. And they were shocked... I asked y, and they told me he had been wearing them for the past 6 years without removing them. He stopped when it became too painful to bend over to take them off, so he just stopped. I asked about the candy wrappers, and they said he put them in his shoes so that his shoes would fit better. He really liked that pair at the store but they didn't have his size, so he made them fit... By stacking the wrappers in his soles... I just thought u should know cause I was going mad with all the questions in my own head about what we saw that night hahaha. Have a great day!"

... So that happened... Apparently none of us know what the real struggle is except the people who went through the Great Depression!!! Not even the "I'm gonna take a shower, with my shoes on, for 6 whole years" struggle.

My open fly, crying family, and didgeridoos...

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

I got a call to a nursing home around 16:00, and it was my first time going to this particular home. It seemed like a pretty nice place, at least from the outside there was a lot of construction, but looked like it was well funded which is always a good sign of awesome health care service. 

I did my usual routine of parking as far away as possible, so I wouldn't look like "the angel of death" from the view point people outside in wheelchairs enjoying this awesome summer day. I walked up to the front desk and greeted the stunningly beautiful receptionist nurse. I leaned in close so everyone around me couldn't hear and told her "I'm Dibs from Yackity Schmackity Funeral Home and I'm here for Mrs. Bleep Bloop." She said "okey dokey, I've got a stack of papers for u to sign and a face sheet here for u to take with u with all of her information on it." I signed the papers and put the sheet in my pocket. "Sssoooo where is ur hearse?" She asked looking right at the front entrance over my shoulder. "Oh I parked waaaayyy over by the construction over there so I wouldn't scare anyone." She laughed and said "oh this must be ur first time here at Hibble Bibble Nursing Home then right?" "Yeeessss?" I said questioning what the hell she was inferring to... "Well we do things a lil' differently here than ur typical nursing home. Go back out, park right out front here, and come back in. We'll be waiting for u."

As I walked back to the hearse, I couldn't help but contemplate what I was about to walk back into. I hopped in, drove to the front door right in front of the wheelchair brigade, and got my stretcher out. Walking up to the front door again, I was greeted by the Chaplin and four hospice nurses carrying an entire set of hand bells just like the kind u would see in church or use in an elementary school music class. As we walked down the hallway to the room, the Chaplin let me in on what was going on. "So here at Hibble Bibble we take a different stance on the view of death. It's not something to be scared of, it's going to happen to all of us at one point in our lives or another so we promote that acceptance of death and embrace it with this tradition. What we r going to do is give u time to talk to the family and sure up any questions they may have, they'll leave the room so u can do what u have to do, put this blanket over the stretcher, and all of the family and staff will escort u out to ur vehicle. Just be sure to stop on the sidewalk outside so we can all say a quick prayer before u put her in and be on ur way to the funeral home." I responded only with the words "okey dokey."

Got to the room, I clarified things with the family about their appointment, they walked into the hallway, and the nurses closed the door behind them. We gloved up and put her on the stretcher. They then brought out this afghan with a big ole picture of Jesus on it, I've see that exact same one draped over the back of my grandfather's sofa growing up. The nurses exited the room, and the Chaplin told me before he followed suit "wait about 30 seconds then come out with her, and just follow me."

30 seconds past, and I opened the door to the hallway lined by the staff of the entire facility and the lady's family being lined up right outside the door and the majority of them carrying the hand bells the nurses were carrying before. I came out pushing the stretcher and followed the Chaplin down the hallway. As we walked, everyone followed behind me as we passed by. People started randomly playing the bells without any particular rhythm or song in mind. I couldn't help but think about how cool all this was, they really embraced the whole death aspect with a side of respect I hadn't seen before... But then stuff got a lil stranger... Outta nowhere, I apparently passed the boiler room cause we passed two janitors attempting to play didgeridoos. I don't know how else a didgeridoo is supposed to sound but I believe they were somehow doin it wrong. By about this time the awe factor has escaped me due to the janitorial input to this elementary school marching band tidal wave...  And It started to sound in my head less like nurses with hand bells, and more like I was unknowingly dragging a xylophone behind me down a carpeted hallway... Oh yeah with didgeridoos somewhere.

We finally exited, and I put the breaks on the stretcher. I turned around in amazement to the faces of 10 crying family members and 50 or so nursing staff... The Chaplin asked for us to bow our heads for a quick prayer. Everyone bowed their heads, and so did I, but when I folded my hands I realized my zipper had been open the entire duration of this whole event. I zipped it slowly and quietly mid prayer. The prayer ended, I hopped back in the hearse, hit the rotary lights, and drove away slowly leaving the family behind crying and hugging all the staff members.

It was a very cool experience, and couldn't be anymore impressed with all of them. But it then hit me... I just zipped the crotch of my pants in the middle of a sea of 60 crying people, my other hand is on a dead body, and all while people are praying around me... If I go to hell, this would be a funny one to see on the list of damning accusations brought against me :)

OPERATION: FIND THE BUNNY

Due to hipaa laws, the names of people and locations in this post have been changed to protect everyone involved in this story.

Dispatch called out a residence removal for Alex and myself. So we arrived on scene and the detectives and cops there. The cops cleared the house informed us that there was only person one in the place besides the detectives, and they were all finished up.

We walk in the back door and exchange words briefly as they were leaving. "Holy crap... U guys look like Justin Timberlake and OJ Simpson!" "We know" we replied... We just looked at each other and shook our heads. "Hahaha, well He's all urs guys, he's in the living room." She said.

The living room... The living, room... She made a funny pause between the word living and the word room, as if there was a comma there and we were supposed to find this funny later. Aaaannnnddddd we did :) not funny Ha Ha but "punny funny". 

We walked into the living room to find a 60ish year old guy playing the popular Xbox vehicular manslaughter mob thriller game Grand Theft Auto V, with the headset on and everything... We didn't wanna disturb him cause he had a headset on, but we looked around the room to find nothing abnormal... No dead body... No blood on the carpet... Nothin... Very clean scene for someone to die at, so I went to go ask the detectives before they left, cause they obviously knew where he was.

"Dibs!!!" Alex yelled just as soon as I reached the kitchen... So I ran back to see Alex standing immediately in the threshold of the doorway goin into the living room. "This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen bro... THE GRAND THEFT AUTO GUY IS OUR BUNNY..."

In my disbelief, I approached the back of the sofa, watching as the character on tv casually struts down the street with a baseball bat. We walked slowly around the sofa... His facial expressions were about as empty as anyone else's that I've seen while playing video games with their mouth open... Empty inside... Like as if they weren't there on the sofa anymore, they r just in the game. I turned around to look back at the screen as his character walked into oncoming traffic and got swore at by taxi drivers.

I felt like Alex and I were on that show "Punk'd" and Ashton Kusher was just gonna come outta nowhere and we'd win some money or something somehow, but Ashton never came... And there was no money :( I slowly removed his headset, and felt for a pulse... Wow... He was as cold as feet on a tile floor. I slowly turned to Alex, who looked like he had so many exclamatory statements he had to say but suppressed them all with an "I just saw a ghost" facial expression. So we both just said "wow" at the exact same time.

He went to grab the stretcher as I tried to remove the controller from this mans stiff grip, and turned off the equipment, but I felt weird, like I was unplugging life support at a hospital... But yeah, no it was just his Xbox and tv. We got him outta there and over to the office, but this was by far one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If u told me a year ago that I'd witness a dead guy playing Grand Theft Auto... Id say you were crazy... Wow... Columbus... You are one crazy place to live!